Win some, lose some

I had been getting a bit more sleep in the past few days and was feeling cocky about it, but last night reminded me that there will always be good days and not so good days in every aspect of this.  I was surprised to be tired enough last night that I had the light off before 11 and don't remember much after that, so probably fell right to sleep.  And then was awake before 5 this morning and unable to fall back to sleep for over an hour, my mind circling around the memory of Jerry's body lying in that room after he'd died.  I tried a few times to concentrate on my breath and clear my mind, and eventually, at some point, I did drift back to sleep for a while until the bongs of the Zen clock started.

Most of the work on the house is done - Steve was here yesterday building new outdoor steps to the screened-in porch, as the old ones had rotted.  A job Jerry would have easily and skillfully done, so it made me sad that someone else had to do it, of course - the other jobs didn't bring out quite that same feeling, and I know it's because this was woodworking, which means it was something Jerry should have been doing.  Steve added an extra step.  He also discovered a huge cache of lumber and no doubt other construction materials shoved in under the porch, as well as an animal skull (and I wouldn't be surprised if there are more of those behind and among the lumber).  Skunk, possibly?  I know in the summer there'd always be nights when we'd have the window open and I'd find myself awake at 3 a.m. closing the window and running for the air freshener because a skunk had sprayed somewhere close to the house (Jerry never seemed bothered by it).  Jerry had put wire fencing all along the base of the porch, but it wasn't entirely keeping the animals out, clearly.

I had a haircut yesterday.

It's even shorter than the last one, and I have to admit, I feel more like myself with shorter hair.  Which is unexpected, given that I still, all these years since I had long hair, think of myself as essentially a long-haired woman, as if I'm just biding my time until I get back to having waist-length hair again.  But this feels good, and I like this cut.  I got a new flat iron on the way home, too, having discussed it with Lindsey and determined that, yes, a better one would work better than the cheap hot pink one with the rhinestones that I got when I was first experimenting with straightening and wasn't sure I would stick with it and didn't want to invest a lot in it.  Sale at Ulta plus discount card made it less painful.  And I tried it last night and yeah, vast improvement.

I've been getting very girly, I notice, in the past few months - indulging the girly parts of me that are always there, but in the past decade have often been tamped down due to things like working in the cabinet shop and being covered in dust and and stain and lacquer every day and wearing masks and respirators... and having a husband who thought I was beautiful no matter what I wore or how my hair was fixed.  Not that I think differently about my appearance now that I'm a widow - I've always looked in the mirror and wanted to make the most of what I saw, but I've been wearing lipstick again - no more dust masks to smudge it onto, no more Enright lips to not want to smear with it (we'd always make sure to do lots of kissing in the mornings of singing weekends because I'd be wearing lipstick to singings and that would result in lots of air kisses - to avoid him being all lipsticky.  And going all day without lots of kisses always made both of us cranky).  And today I have another manicure and pedicure appointment, which will take me to and past the end of the spa gift certificate.  And yesterday I actually did something I'd wanted to do for years - had my eyebrows shaped by a pro.  There was a Benefit "Brow Bar" at the Ulta store - I was sure it had just popped up there, but Tiara, the woman working at it, said it had been there for a year.  Glad I've made an appointment for an eye exam - clearly my eyes need checking.  Anyway, no one was being served at the moment I walked by, and I saw they offered tweezing as an option - and I can't have waxing because I use Retin-A, and I rarely see tweezing on the menu at salons.  So I went for it, and I'm beyond thrilled with the results.  Have another appointment there in 5 weeks, which I'll use if I can't keep the shape myself.

Little things.

Steve has a few things left to finish up, which he said he'll be back to do either this morning or at the end of the day.  After the mani-pedi, I'll come back here and be able to check in for tomorrow's flight to Providence, and then go off and see the counselor.  Every time the appointment with her is approaching, I think "This'll be the last one - I'm basically just repeating what I spew into the blog," and then after each appointment I feel like it was a good thing to talk for an hour.  So today is another wait-and-see on that score.