31 December 2011

2011

I had a long entry going under this title today, but I just deleted it: a lot of blathering to say that 2011 has whooshed by, that it was a very hard year, that it had its ups and downs, and that I have got to believe that 2012 will have more ups than downs... and that, with any luck, next year at this time I'll be in NY, employed, domiciled, and more at peace with the hand I've been dealt.

Happy New Year to all y'all - may 2012 bring good things for all of us.

26 December 2011

Feast of Stephen

Wow.  Did I forget to mention I've quit my job?

Today is a day off; then three days of work; then I'm free.  I've been going back and forth about writing a letter to the Board of Directors of the organization, pointing out why they have the most incredible rate of turnover of employees (almost entirely by decision of the employees themselves) and mentioning that no one has expressed any curiosity over why I'm the latest addition to the ongoing outflow (my boss asked me what I'm doing next - which is, very deliberately I might add, not the same thing).  But after actually sitting down and writing a letter to the Board president, I came to the realization that I just did not want to have to talk to her and tell her all the things that she's showed no interest in in the past.  I wish I could make things better for the friends I leave behind at the office, but I know by now that that's not something I can accomplish.  But writing the letter did help blow off some of the steam.

On the other hand, they did give us incredibly ugly logo'd golf shirts.  What, not a fair substitute?  Remind me to run out and take up golf immediately.

And so this is Christmas, to coin a phrase.  Or, actually, the Feast of Stephen.  Jerry and I never used to make a huge deal out of Christmas, so the fact that I spent the day alone wasn't that big a deal.  We'd put up a live tree, once I got over my feelings that having a tree in a place I lived in was just too weird (I'm Jewish, y'all - a secular Jew, but still);  Jerry would enjoy the fact that he was allowed to decorate it as he liked without complaint from anyone (his previous life apparently hadn't afforded him that luxury), he'd put the lights on it, I'd put the ornaments on it; we'd do a fancy meal - but that was it.  I'd gotten so tired of the buy-gifts-because-the-calendar-says-so routine that I'd managed to get almost everyone I know that would be someone I'd exchange gifts with to agree not to do it anymore, so Jerry and I never exchanged gifts at the holidays (I love giving gifts to people, don't get me wrong - I just prefer to do it for their own special days, like birthdays, or if I see something on some random day that I think they'll like). He might go off and spend some time with his kids and their families.  But having him not here on Christmas isn't worse for me than not having him here on any other day.

On the other hand...

On the other hand, not having him here on any day at all is causing me to cry a lot these days.  My latest guess is that the antidepressants really were doing something - they were numbing me out, and now that I'm off them, nothing is protecting me from the real grieving.  Maybe.  I just hope this is something I'm going to work my way through and beyond - not, of course, that I'll ever stop missing him, but that I'll be able to come to terms with the fact that he's... well, you know, we've been through this.  Many, many, many times.

In other news, having decided on where I'm going feels so amazingly good.  I loved Jerry more than anything, and I will never, ever regret my decision to move out here to Midwestern suburbia, but oh my God, if there's somewhere I do not belong, it's Midwestern suburbia.  I left my apartment in Manhattan for the last time in tears, and every time we visited there I counted down the time left in each visit with dread, knowing the days were ticking away and soon I'd have to leave it.  The thing that made leaving it bearable was that nothing made me happier than being with Jerry, no matter where he was - but (guess what) he's not here anymore.  And the idea that I can go to New York and not have to leave?  Is it possible?  There are a lot of difficult logistics to figure out... but I'm determined to do it.  Having something clear to look forward to is amazing.

Anyone wanna buy a three-bedroom two-bathroom house with the most beautiful maple woodwork you'll ever see?  It is going to kill me to part with it, to leave this place, to... yeah, blah blah blah.  Said it before.  Said it a million times.  It's still true.  It's still what I have to do - what I want to do.  Yes.  What I want to do.  I could spend the rest of my life sitting here with the reminders of Jerry, with the results of his talent and hard, hard work - and part of me would be glad to have it.  But that wouldn't be a life that would make me happy.  And I have to believe "happy" is a possibility.  Someday.

So that's the view from here on the Feast of Stephen.

And by the way:

13 December 2011

Empire State of Mind

Real quick, because I'm exhausted.  I gave notice at my job yesterday that December 31 will be my last day there.  It's so much the right move, so of course I celebrated it, so to speak, by coming home and having one of the worst meltdowns I've had, ever, in my entire life.  I swear it felt like something was desperately trying to claw its way out of my chest, and I was just wailing in an attempt to release it.  The trigger was pretty damn silly (final episode of season 3 of Castle, for those of you to whom that means anything), but on my drive home from work I'd already begun to feel that things were slipping, and later that evening it just fell apart.  I fell apart.  I just kept looking around the living room at the maple panels on the ceiling and the maple built-in cabinets and the mantlepiece with the photos on it of Jerry and me and I just thought, if it was thinking that was happening (felt much more deep and basic than thinking), I can't, I can't I can't I CAN'T.  HE HAS TO COME HOME TO ME.  I CAN'T KEEP GOING FORWARD WITHOUT HIM.  THIS MAKES NO SENSE, I NEED HIM.  IT HURTS TOO MUCH WITHOUT HIM.

I knew it would pass and at the same time it felt like it never would.  Happily, in the midst of it I checked my email (do NOT ask for logic here) and had an email from a friend asking how I was doing, and in responding to her I felt myself relaxing and calming down.  (Thank you, Laura.)

Anyway.  I'm here.  I think I buried a lede here: forgot to say I've come to the realization that I want to go home to NYC.  Almost 100%.  Not 100% because part of me still wants to go to Alabama and be in the midst of my dear singing family and enjoy everything I love about being down there.  But a few weeks ago I suddenly wanted to look at apartment listings in Manhattan.  I'm not sure I could even afford Manhattan anymore.  I might end up in... gasp... an outer borough. (Can I afford them anymore?)

More later.  Tired, and Glee is on.

Do I sound insane?