Real quick, because I'm exhausted. I gave notice at my job yesterday that December 31 will be my last day there. It's so much the right move, so of course I celebrated it, so to speak, by coming home and having one of the worst meltdowns I've had, ever, in my entire life. I swear it felt like something was desperately trying to claw its way out of my chest, and I was just wailing in an attempt to release it. The trigger was pretty damn silly (final episode of season 3 of Castle, for those of you to whom that means anything), but on my drive home from work I'd already begun to feel that things were slipping, and later that evening it just fell apart. I fell apart. I just kept looking around the living room at the maple panels on the ceiling and the maple built-in cabinets and the mantlepiece with the photos on it of Jerry and me and I just thought, if it was thinking that was happening (felt much more deep and basic than thinking), I can't, I can't I can't I CAN'T. HE HAS TO COME HOME TO ME. I CAN'T KEEP GOING FORWARD WITHOUT HIM. THIS MAKES NO SENSE, I NEED HIM. IT HURTS TOO MUCH WITHOUT HIM.
I knew it would pass and at the same time it felt like it never would. Happily, in the midst of it I checked my email (do NOT ask for logic here) and had an email from a friend asking how I was doing, and in responding to her I felt myself relaxing and calming down. (Thank you, Laura.)
Anyway. I'm here. I think I buried a lede here: forgot to say I've come to the realization that I want to go home to NYC. Almost 100%. Not 100% because part of me still wants to go to Alabama and be in the midst of my dear singing family and enjoy everything I love about being down there. But a few weeks ago I suddenly wanted to look at apartment listings in Manhattan. I'm not sure I could even afford Manhattan anymore. I might end up in... gasp... an outer borough. (Can I afford them anymore?)
More later. Tired, and Glee is on.
Do I sound insane?
It is good to hear from you.
ReplyDeleteThe meltdown is so understandable.
Coming to decisions about making room in our lives for a different chapter is hard. Leaving people, places and remnants of a life (and of our spouse's life) can be another loss. And we already know enough about loss.
Not easy.
But life is precious. Seizing moments frees us to live. How wonderful NYC is there for you. Yes, it is yours for the having!
It will be a New Year for you. Who knows, there may be a marathon in your future....
Virtual hugs come your way.
Wow Karen!!! This is HUGE!!! Congratulations. I know that you will be happy no matter where you are. And as we all know, there are no silly triggers for a meltdown anymore!!! So glad that you are moving forward with your life, what a way to start the new year!!! <3
ReplyDeleteMay you have a lovely holiday. May the calm and love of the season bring you peace as you close out a difficult year and bring you hope and joy as enter a new chapter.
ReplyDeleteVirtual hugs come your way.
congrats on taking a step towards making yourself happier!
ReplyDelete