That's a rhetorical "why" in the post title. I just am wondering why tonight is turning out to be one of the harder nights. It started when I went down to the basement after the concrete guys had left to see what they'd done (dug out lots of dirt and built forms - concrete should be poured on Monday). Maybe it's because I'm having big things done in the house without Jerry here to make decisions about them with me? Because all day I heard what I assume was a miter saw being used in the basement, and I associate that sound with the shop and with Jerry? Because most of today was gloomy and rainy?
Or maybe it's simply because the love of my life is dead and I will never, ever see him again. And that's my reality. And I can't do anything, anything to make it different.
This sounds familiar. I'll bet I've written this before. And I'll probably write variations on it again and again. I just want this not to be true. I just want him to come home to me.
It's a challenge to tread another path than what we want, but "what we want" is only that -- "what we want." And that is where we can, eventually, "make it [where the "it" is the resultant of external forces and our internal reaction] different" (while finding other ways to express the feelings or needs that lurk behind the "what I want").
ReplyDeleteSorry to go into "fix it" mode -- I just worry that you'll get stuck in unhelpful patterns of thinking.