No miracle cure yet

What?  An entire one-hour session with a counselor and I'm still feeling worse than ever?  How's that possible?

This happens to me every so often, and I know it does.  I'll just finish reading The Year of Magical Thinking and suddenly everything will be better.  I'll talk to a counselor, and suddenly everything will be better.  And yet... it's not.  I just got in from taking out the compost, and I looked around at the huge number of small buckthorn stalks sprouting in the yard, and thought about all Jerry's work in the yard (including his never-ending struggle to pull up the buckthorn), and his plan for the native grasses and flowers, and thought about him coming outside in his robe in April (was it?) while I was digging up dandelions, and watching for a short time, and being too weak to stay on his feet for long, and thought about how many times we'd stood together in the yard looking at the house and agreeing about how much we loved the house and how much we loved our life, and I just started wailing.  It hurts so much.  I miss him so much.  I miss that life we loved so much.

The session with the counselor went fine - I guess.  (He's still dead.  So as one of you wisely put it today, no matter how right what I do is, in the end I'm never going to have what I want.)  She was easy to talk to, and mostly that's what happened, I talked.  I repeated what I keep repeating in this blog.  It's not that I don't have faith in the "talking cure" - it did well by me before.  I just wonder if this kind of therapy, unlike the analysis from years ago, will include anything else than me talking.  Anyway, I'll go back next week and see how it goes.

What it won't include is anything pharmaceutical, since Stella, the counselor, is not a doctor.  So on the way home I stopped at the office where I see my endocrinologist and talked to the receptionists and a nurse about options.  Ended up with an appointment with an internist a week from Friday, which is good, since having a primary care doctor will be a good thing (I've been living in fear of getting one of those sinus infections I had two years ago, or was it three? - and not having a doctor to see) - but the receptionist said she'd also leave word with the endocrinologist's nurse and see if they can do something in the interim - she'll be in tomorrow, so maybe I'll hear something then.  Given my susceptibility to anything that induces drowsiness, I'm not sure what they can do for me - the whole point is that I need to be able to get good sleep at night so I'm not exhausted every day, but if I take something that then leaves me zonked during the day as well, I don't see that that's an improvement.  I don't suppose there's something they can give me to make it all hurt less?  Well, I'll find out, anyway, sooner or later.

And they can't give me something that'll bring Jerry back.