Strange thoughts

Just now found myself looking at the picture of Jerry and me at the top of this blog and thinking that the person who died in this room less than a week ago wasn't him, and that the person in the photo is still out there somewhere and will soon come back to me.  Add this to other thoughts that have gone through my mind in these days, like when I was sitting by him after he died and thinking for sure his chest would start rising and falling again any second (I do remember saying, as if I had no control over what came out of my mouth - that happened a lot just after he died, me hearing things coming out of my mouth that seemed to be said by someone else - "He's not breathing."  And that was possibly as much as an hour after he'd already stopped breathing, as if my mentioning it would change things and he'd start again).  And again, I find myself wondering if the cremation has taken place yet, and feeling this occasional frantic need to rush to the car and drive to the funeral home and rescue him before they do it, as if that will bring him back.

The later it is in the evening when I write, the more likely this sort of entry will be the result, I'm afraid.