The New York Times seems to have picked this season as a time to run articles about widowhood and bereavement, in an odd bit of serendipity. This morning a comment on one of those articles contains an account by a woman whose husband died a year ago, in which she says "When they talk about the stages of grief, I think they forget to mention the sheer numbness that sets in immediately, perhaps as a sort of defense mechanism." I am so, so definitely in the midst of this. I mean, for these past weeks I've been rollercoastering between numbness and grief, but now the numbness is flatter, broader, more pervasive - except when it's not at moments and the crying comes. But I just know I'm not feeling much right now. Which frightens me a huge amount, as I wonder what it will be like when I do.
Seamus wisely said he knows it will come, and he's not going out looking for it - it will be here when it's here.
I got a message on Facebook from a woman I don't know (but whose name I've seen, as she's a Sacred Harp singer), who told me they've been singing for Jerry at Camp Fasola, the now annual Sacred Harp summer program held in Alabama. Very kind of her to tell me. And I know Jerry would have appreciated it.
I think the numbness is a defense mechanism and almost a good thing as it allows you to get through everything that has to be done right now....the feelings will show up at some point.
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