Most of my packing is done, and tomorrow it's off to Midway, thence to BNA and thence again to Huntsville. Saturday morning, down to Pine Grove Church, near Collinsville, AL, to the 107th session of the Lookout Mountain Sacred Harp Singing Convention - which would have been Jerry's 21st consecutive Lookout Mountain Convention, if things in this world were as they should be. A year ago I never, never, never imagined what the future held, just a few months later. We never thought anything other than that we'd both be packing, as we've done together every Friday before the fourth Sunday in August since 2000 (in 1998 and 1999 we were both packing for it, but I was in New York and he was in Illinois... ), and he'd have his note by the phone in the bedroom on his night stand reminding him to leave his pocket knife at home. And we'd be so excited to be going down to Lookout Mountain again.
Instead, Seamus came by earlier today to collect the urn with Jerry's ashes, and he'll carry it with him on his drive down. And Jerry's children and I will scatter his ashes near the place he loved so much, the place where he and I met 12 years ago.
If I thought for more than a second now and again that any of this was really happening, I'd be in bad shape. As it is, I'm wondering how long it will be before I get through an entire day without crying. I can't remember the last day I didn't cry. I find my mind going back again and again to the moment when Jerry died, as if to remind myself "That's why he's not here." Because I keep finding myself wondering why he isn't. Because it just doesn't make sense.
As I posted on Facebook just now, my advice to anyone who'll listen is this: cherish the ones you love every single day. As Marlo said, tomorrow ain't promised to no one.
Karen, I will be thinking of you and Jerry this weekend. Remember that it's ok to cry, even if you cry every day, it's more than ok. I will pray for you that you will find some peace and comfort this weekend. I know that what you are preparing to do is going to be very hard and very emotionally draining. But, you are not alone. You will never be alone, I believe that Jerry is with you, or at the very least watching over you from Heaven. Also, you have so many people here that love and care about you. Even if we have never met in person, I care so much about you and think of you often. Please be careful on your trip.
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