Today is my birthday. I don't post this information in search of birthday greetings, although, you who've sent them, I thank you. But I don't expect I'll surprise anyone when I say that this is the worst birthday of my entire life. I hope I never have as unhappy a birthday ever again.
I guess it's a kind of milestone, another first: first birthday since Jerry died. Everything gets to be a first one time. I hope seconds are going to be less painful than firsts. Today I feel like I've been fighting harder than ever against accepting the reality of my life, the reality of Jerry's death. I just want him here so, so much. I feel like he's got to be coming home now, this all just doesn't make any sense, it's so wrong, it can't be true and he's got to be coming home now.
I went out again today, just so I wouldn't be home all day. Drove to a shopping center, walked around, looked at iPads in an Apple store even though I have no need for one, not much thought of getting one, and couldn't even figure out how to get the one I was looking at off of the web browser it was open to; thought about last time I was in that store (with Jerry, when we went and got our Macs). Used a coupon for a free entree at Moe's (yesterday used a coupon for a free meal at Noodles & Co. - the birthday coupons these places send you by e-mail if you register with them. I suspect they don't think you're going to be going in alone with the coupon and think they'll be making money off the people who go with you. Sorry). Drove home again. Did laundry. Thought about what the next round of things for Goodwill will be (I'm thinking Christmas ornaments and some of the lights. I don't plan to have a tree by myself. I'll keep the ones that meant something to us - the penguins and the Tibetan things and the bells with "Karen" and "Jerry" written on them - and get rid of the generic ones we got to fill out the tree. I'll keep the bubble lights, which of course he called "booble" lights. Jerry liked the booble lights).
I want him to come home now.
Oh how I wish I could ease your pain!
ReplyDeleteBut know that you aren't writing into a void. That your words aren't echoing around cyberspace. Someone hears you -- I hear you, and I'm stretching out my hand to yours, wishing you a measure of peace to see you through this night.
I didn't know it was your birthday - I'm so sorry! Happy Birthday a bit late!
ReplyDeleteI can imagine that the first of everything is very difficult. I am glad you got out for a while and I hope you find donating items cathartic, I know I do.
Karen!
ReplyDeleteI knew exactly when your birthday was except I didn't realize we had already reached (and now passed the halfway mark of the month. Please forgive us. We know not the day of the week. (Sometimes, we're pretty imbecilic. This is one of those times.) As always, you are NEVER out of our thoughts, birthday or no, but HUGE apologies nonetheless. Idiocy is not an appropriate excuse for anything.
We love you!
Fran and Chip
Dear Karen,
ReplyDeleteAre we dumbasses or what? I knew damned well when your birthday was. If only we had been aware that we had already reached the middle of August, we might have gotten this right. We apologize profusely.
Karen, you never leave our thoughts. We love you madly. Birthday or no. But we are keenly aware that idiocy is no excuse. Certainly not for this.
All our love forever,
Fran and Chip