But today did feel a little different. It might only be temporary right now - in fact, I've read all over the place that grieving isn't a linear forward process, but a series of movements in all kinds of directions - you feel better, you feel worse, the harsh pain recedes, it rushes back in on you. And at just past 10 weeks since my honey died, I am under no illusion that I am past the worst of this.
But I had some moments today where I think I was imagining myself going on. Not that I've ever felt suicidal - I keep making this distinction, between feeling like I really didn't care if I kept living, which I have felt and still mostly do, and thinking of actively ending my existence, which I never have felt like I wanted to do. Most of the time I don't see the point without Jerry. But while I may not still see a point, I do see a possibility. And this past weekend had everything to do with that, I am convinced. Being back in the hollow square of a Sacred Harp singing again, and not just any singing and not just any place, but specifically the Lookout Mountain Convention, surrounded by those people, feeling part of that, reminded me of what it's like to be happy. I can't describe myself as "happy" yet - I don't know when or if that term will apply to me - and I'm still crying many times every day, and I still miss Jerry with every beat of my beaten-up broken heart. But I think maybe, just maybe, to repeat the phrase I keep forgetting to repeat as I should, I won't always feel this way.
I had a haircut this afternoon. It was a very necessary thing, I discovered after seeing myself in the photos taken at Lookout Mountain this past weekend. I'm very pleased with what Lindsey and I came up with.
I know nothing of grief to the level that you are experiencing but I do know that for me there are good days and bad days....even years out the bad days can hit like a ton of bricks, out of the middle of no where. I hope imagining going forward starts to take root for you....
ReplyDeleteGreat new haircut!