Triggers

Sometimes the things that make me cry are obvious, sometimes not.  Just now came an obvious one, but unexpected, and it caught me off guard.  I was looking at photos taken at today's singing at Liberty in Henagar, and came across a picture of the memorial list - thought, Oh, Jerry should be on there, without realizing I was really thinking that - found his name and it felt like a punch to the gut, suddenly realizing... he's on the memorial list.  He might have been on other lists at other singings in these past three weeks, but this is the first time I've seen his name there, written out, under the heading "Deceased," on a memorial list at a Sacred Harp singing.

People will put his name on memorial lists at singings for the next year, in Sacred Harp tradition.  Five years ago, Jerry spoke at the Midwest Convention in Chicago for Kelly Beard, an older gentleman from Texas that he'd been friends with, who had recently died.  I remember sitting in the back of the alto, watching Jerry speak, and beginning to cry.  Someone later mentioned to me that he'd seen me crying, and I don't remember if I told him why: but I had realized, as I watched Jerry speak so fondly of Kelly, that someday I might be sitting in the hollow square watching someone speak for Jerry.

Five short, swift years later, I will.

Tonight is three weeks since my sweetie died.  How many more do I have to get through?