Any Time Now

The Cancer Institute where Jerry was treated can stop sending him newsletters any fucking time they want, really.  He got one in the mail today.  I picked up the phone to call them before realizing it was after hours; then I e-mailed them and got an out-of-office autoreply... dated to end on 5 July.  So that's great.  But you'd think an institution that dealt with cancer patients would go out of its way to keep track of these things, to avoid causing pain to people.  But no... they're right up there with the hospice's equipment company calling a few days after Jerry died to find out if the equipment was working well and if they should send more... and continuing to ask those questions several times after I said "He's dead."

Anyway...

I want to thank all of you for reading this blog, and for commenting on it and sending me messages.  Some of you I know; some of you I don't; all of you, I'm grateful for your attention and insights.  I'm far less than communicative in a lot of ways these days, and I'm afraid I might be upsetting people by seeming to be withdrawing, but I can't help it.  In a great many ways, I feel entirely different from my previous self - lots of things I used to care about, I don't right now; things I took pleasure in, I don't right now.  My whole being is focussed on Jerry's absence, and trying to understand that it's real and permanent while still refusing in many ways to understand that, and trying to find out how I'm going to keep going in the face of that absence.  How it's even going to be possible or desirable, I still don't know.  I don't know how long it's going to take me to figure out who I am now and what my life is going to be like.  But I'm trying to do what I need to do to survive the horrific feelings that keep washing over me when the numbness breaks now and then.  I appreciate everyone's patience and tolerance.

This afternoon I e-mailed a death notice to the Chicago Tribune, finally.  In the evening when I got home, I had a message on the answering machine telling me to call to arrange payment for it.  When I did that, I was told the notice would cost $198.  I told the guy "You're serious!"  I told him my husband would be appalled if I spent that much, which is absolutely true, as Seamus confirmed when I texted him and told him I'd cancelled the obituary.  As we agreed, those who need to know do know.  Jerry would indeed have been appalled at anyone spending that kind of money on such a thing.  And by the way, Chicago Tribune - charging this much for a death notice is not going to save your newspaper in the age of the Internet.  Just so you know.

The guy from the Friends of the Library came by this morning, picked up some books that were in boxes and bags, and said he'd bring more boxes tomorrow morning for the rest of them.  Steve from Symmetry, the contractor firm, will be here tomorrow at noon and I'll show him the sad state of the basement, plus what other things I can think of.  I'm going to ask him to figure too how much it would cost to paint the two upstairs bedrooms and the upstairs bathroom, which Jerry hadn't gotten to yet.  We hadn't gotten around to discussing colors for those rooms, Jerry and I - probably I'll just have Symmetry price a basic soft white.  I suppose I could do those myself - we'll see how much it all comes to.  Meanwhile, I'm glad Steve will get to see all Jerry's gorgeous work in the house - although the Symmetry guys have worked with Wood Bros. for years, and already know how talented my husband was.

After that's done, I think I'll go down to Sears and see about getting a new dehumidifier.  Actually, I'm thinking of getting two smaller ones, both to be able to space them better in the basement, and also because they'll be easier for me to move myself.

So tired.