I've read enough, heard enough to know that grief isn't a linear process... it's not a matter of, yesterday I felt bad, today I feel better, tomorrow I'll feel even better than that, and so on until I reach the elusive destination of "happiness." Instead, as I keep finding out, it's a matter of a little progress in a better direction, a lot of slipping in a worse direction, a lot of flailing around, a lot of paralysis. Yesterday I was thinking the Prozac must finally be kicking in, things were feeling a bit, I don't know, different somehow. Today I'm reminded that even if the Prozac does help things, it's not going to bring Jerry back, and as long as Jerry is still dead, right now "happy" isn't in the cards. Distraction, maybe; happiness, not yet.
I napped a bit this afternoon - just felt so tired I had no choice, which is usually how napping happens for me - Jerry was a champion napper, could sleep for hours in the afternoon and then get up for a while and then go back to bed and get an entire night's sleep. Me, if I nap, I wake up groggy and useless. But occasionally I'll be so tired I'll just crawl into bed, and that happened today. This morning I actually did sweep some of the leaves off one of the walkways and onto the back of the patio, because I thought it was going to rain, but it didn't, and now there's no rain in the forecast until Saturday (but then every day after that for a while). Soaked the metal plug from the bathroom sink in vinegar and water to get the hard water deposits off it, something I've meant to do for months. Called and arranged for the water softener company to send someone out, since the softener still isn't running - the guy will come some time on Thursday.
Yesterday I actually got the vacuum cleaner out and vacuumed the first floor of the house. I don't know when I last did that - before Jerry died, for sure, and for sure before he went into the hospital.
Yes. The realization of doing stuff that you did routinely before (when a spouse was alive), and now doing in solitude while becoming aware that this is the way it will be, is hard. Certainly isn't any fun. There are small satisfactions of progress like you have already experienced. One thing that I have found helpful is to leave the home every day, no matter what, even if to just buy a a small item, like milk. A smile and human contact can lift spirits--even the check out person at the market!!! And I have placed some photos away, can go to them when needed, but am not bombarded with the memory at every step. Be well.
ReplyDeleteI remember him coming home from work in the afternoon and taking a nap. He would set an alarm for some amount of time that was always in 20 min increments, because he had found that he would wake up feeling rested instead of groggy that way. I, myself, have never mastered the ability to sleep for 40 min and wake up feeling refreshed.
ReplyDelete