Facebook Fail

So is anyone else unable to post anything to Facebook this evening?  I know some of you can, because you've posted things on my FB wall (thanks!) - but every time I try, I get "Sorry, unable to update your status.  Try again in a few minutes." Can't send messages, can't "like" anything.  Weird, and it's been happening for a few hours now.  Maybe it's just me.  It's odd, because I can do other things on Facebook (endless games of Pathwords, for instance) and I can look at profiles.  Just can't post anything. (ETA: Aha.  Just found this on Facebook: "Some people are unable to post status updates and receiving the error message: 'Sorry, unable to update your status. Try again in a few minutes.' We are working to resolve the issue."  At least it's not just me.  Or my computer.)

Anyway.

Mailed the Lookout Mountain Convention 1968 CD off to Disc Makers this morning at a post office desk at a Meijer grocery store, which made me feel good, then did some grocery shopping.  Which always makes me weepy, grocery shopping does, because I so often did it with Jerry, or I'm seeing things I think he'd like, or I'm seeing things I know he'd like or did like.  Or because I'm shopping for just myself.  Which I did all the time before I moved here 11 years ago.  But it wasn't the same.  Of course.

I made sure to fill up the gas tank so I'm all set for driving to Des Plaines on Monday for the interview.  Google Maps puts the trip at about 32 miles, so if this turns out to be a job I want and they do offer it to me, they're going to have to offer a decent salary and benefits package to make it worthwhile to commute that far in two directions every day.  I thought 15 miles down to Elgin was a lot!  I was definitely spoiled by my walkable commutes in Manhattan - I do miss that a lot, the lack of necessity for a car.  Someday I hope I can live like that again.

We will not speak of the baseball game that took place yesterday.  Its outcome did not surprise me (for which reason I didn't watch it), but it was still an unwelcome one.  At least I can ignore the World Series this year (although a total random antipathy towards Philadelphia has me hoping San Francisco gets into it, despite them having a traitorous former NY team.  But as long as someone beats Texas, that'll help get rid of the sting.  Which means, awkwardly, rooting for a National League team). ETA: Yay SF!

Better to speak of The Amazing Cam and Auburn, whose victory over LSU I watched this afternoon while Google-chatting through it with Lynne.  Again, a totally uncharacteristic thing for us to be having fun with, football, but we did.  Still lots of times when I had no idea what was going on. (For instance, can anyone tell me: there was some question over a tackle where they kept talking about where the guy's "forward motion" had stopped, so whether or not the ball would end up where the "forward motion" stopped or where the guy was subsequently dragged back to.  So is a tackle considered to have been completed when the ball carrier's "forward motion" stops?) (Also, punts still baffle me.  Or rather, what happens at the other end of a punt.)

Boiled some "baby lima beans" I got at Meijer - and somehow managed to let it boil over without ever seeing it happen, even though I was right there, and couldn't figure out why suddenly the burner was out, and only later realized there was beany liquid in the burner pan and down the side of the pot.  This is only the second time I've tried to boil something besides water for tea since Jerry died, and the second time what I've been boiling has boiled over with me standing right there.  Sigh.  Widow brain.  Anyway, the "baby lima beans" were theoretically "fresh," except for something on the label I noticed that said the 12 oz of fresh beans "started out" as 8 oz dried.  Also, noticed FOOD DYES in the ingredients after I was cooking them, when I would have thought "lima beans" would have been all that was needed.  Still, they did taste pretty good, if not as good as the really fresh ones Karen served us in Huntsville last month.  And what this means is pretty significant, too: it means I ate vegetables today.  It's amazing how someone can be a vegetarian and hardly ever eat enough (if any) vegetables.  (Although I was checking out at a grocery store last week and the cashier saw I had an Amy's frozen entree and said her daughter would like that, she's a vegan.  Then she said her daughter lives on french fries and cigarettes.  Interesting vegan diet.)

Someday I'll be motivated to cook again.  Someday.

I miss Jerry.  I still walk around this house and wonder why the hell he isn't here.  I look at chairs he's sat in, and think, why isn't he still sitting in them?  Why isn't he wearing this fleece pullover to bed, why am I wearing it to bed?  I don't know if it's the Prozac that has me feeling sort of, I don't know, cotton-balled a bit - as if there's really sharp pain just beyond the edges of what I can feel most of the time, and I know it's there, but I'm not really feeling it as much.  Which scares me the same way the initial numbness I felt right after Jerry died did - a fear that that pain is building up and is going to break through the numbness or Prozac cushioning or whatever it is and just lay me out.  I really can't win.  I'm not crying every single day anymore, but I feel like something's wrong with that, because I know it hurts just as much as ever.  But there's this odd cottony cushion between me and the emptiness, me and the loss, me and the absence and the huge gaping hole where my heart was.

I guess that's good.  But can you deal with a sharp searing pain if you're not feeling it as acutely?  Will it subside the way I hope it will?  Is dulling it also deferring it until another time, is it inevitable that it's going to come back and knock me down?  Or will I just continue on in this sort of haze of dull loneliness for Jerry?

And will I keep every so often finding myself just suddenly stopping short and wondering, What the hell is going on?  Where is Jerry?  And having to think consciously back to those moments on 13 June when he stopped breathing forever, those moments where he was lying there dead, to remember why?