Stand up and yell, Hey!

It's hard to trust fun, after the year this has been.  Last year at this time it would never, ever have occurred to me that my life would be totally uprooted, changed, that a year later Jerry would have gone through the hell that he did and at this point would have been dead for five months.  It would have been insane, unthinkable.  I don't remember the exact dates, but last year around this time we were in New Mexico on our short frequent flyer vacation to Albuquerque and Santa Fe.  I look at the pictures from that trip now and I seem to see weariness in Jerry where I never saw it before.  It's good that we mostly can't know our futures - imagine if we'd known then what was to come, and so, so soon.

With all this pain, all this sadness, all this missing Jerry... what do I do with a weekend like I just had?  How do I explain to myself the ability to have fun, to enjoy myself?  Because there's no doubt about it: I had a really, really fun weekend, and I really enjoyed myself.  I don't even understand how I got from June to here in these five short months.  And it scares me, a lot: it reminds me of the numb feeling in a way, in the sense that I know there are painful, searing feelings somewhere, and just because I'm not feeling them at this moment doesn't mean they're gone forever.  If they don't return any second now, I know for sure they'll be back when I head back to Illinois in a couple of weeks.

But for now, for this moment... I'm okay.  I'm even going to say more than okay.  The Auburn weekend was everything I could have hoped for and more (with the exception of losing my $3 sunglasses on the trip down on Friday, which monetarily obviously isn't a disaster, but is yet another example of the weirdness of my brain these days; and on Saturday I was totally convinced I'd lost my cellphone somewhere among the zillions of people on the grounds of Jordan-Hare Stadium, and it wasn't until after the game that Karen called Chuck at home and had him listen for my cellphone when she then called my number, and we learned that it had slipped out of my coat pocket into the cushions of Chuck's couch - so I did spend the game with intermittent thoughts about how annoying it was going to be to have to call Verizon and deal with all of this and pay for a new phone.  Still haven't quite gotten my brain to remember I don't have to call Verizon now).

But otherwise... fabulous, all weekend.  We drove down to the Plains by a scenic route, stopping at Cheaha State Park and looking out from the highest point in Alabama at the beautiful fall colors, which of course happen later here than up north, where most of the leaves on the trees around my house have already fallen, except for the euonymus, which had turned pink just before I left (probably very late even there, given the warm fall it's been so far).  Late lunch at the Pita Pit in Auburn (leaving which, I discovered my sunglasses were gone, and went back to look in their rest room - but I think they were gone before that.  Unless they still turn up in the Iveys' van.  You never know), then a walk around the downtown, including a photo op in front of the Auburn University sign and Samford Hall:

Lemonade at Toomer's Drugstore, a stop in at J&M bookstore (I'll have to put the AU magnet on the car today!), then, if I remember right, we went to the tailgate site to meet up with some of Karen and David's friends and drop off food Karen had brought.  After that, another friend's housewarming, and then it was off to Auburn's brand new basketball arena, to watch Auburn's men's team struggle against UNC-Asheville and some bad refereeing.  Auburn is definitely a football school, not a basketball school, at least where the men are concerned.  We left before the end of the game, which Auburn lost after keeping a slight lead for most of it, by one point in overtime.  And I learned that Charles Barkley went to Auburn, as his retired number is displayed up high in the arena.  (Maybe Auburn used to be a basketball school?)

Saturday was Game Day!  I swear, it's like a huge holiday festival - what fun to have that atmosphere and excitement, to have an excuse for a big party.  The first order of the day was Tiger Walk, watching the team get off the bus and walk to the stadium.  I have no clue what the true story is with Cam Newton, of course, but it sure was exciting to see him, and I'll bet he's getting even more and louder support from the Auburn fans than ever.  Cheered for Chizik, too.  (Hi, I'm Karen and I'm an Auburn Tiger.) (Hi, Karen.  Because, yeah, it does feel like a sudden addiction!)  After Tiger Walk we watched the band play a while, then when they stopped we parked ourselves on a corner and had a bite to eat.  Then headed towards the site of the Four Corners Pep Rally, and that's when I realized I didn't have my phone with me, and the undercurrent of concern about it began and ran under the rest of the day.  It didn't interfere with anything... okay, a little (I'm a worrier.  Always have been).  But we watched the pep rally and chanted and cheered and then walked back a ways to see if maybe the phone was on the ground somewhere we'd been.  Really, I didn't used to be such a bubblehead.  It's slightly scary to be one now.

To Jordan-Hare, then, and the first sighting as you walk in the entrance to your section is just incredible.  It's huge, and the field is so green, and there are already so many people in orange and navy blue (and some in Georgia red and black) filing in.  We were there for the band's march around (as the name implies, the marching band circles the entire stadium), the introduction of the teams (huge cheer for Cam), and all the pregame stuff.  So many traditions that are all new to this Johnny-come-lately Auburn fan, but exciting and moving nonetheless, like seeing Nova, a golden eagle ("War Eagle VII"), loop down towards the field (and the eagle food that must have been waiting there for him), watching Aubie, the Tigers' mascot, and the incredible band and drum majors (wish I could have seen Stuart as drum major), finishing singing "The Star-Spangled Banner" and looking up to see two Air Force fighters streak over the stadium.  And singing the fight song over and over, and chanting "A-U-B-U-R-N, goooooo Tigers!" and just generally feeling like a part of something exciting and enormously fun.

Then the game - nerve-racking, as Cam scored an immediate early touchdown but then Georgia pulled ahead.  I'd always heard TV announcers talk about subdued crowds, but it was amazing to experience it - everyone got quiet (except people like the guy behind me, who kept yelling "GO DAWGS!" for most of the game), and I felt tired and unable to yell or shake the shaker I'd borrowed from Karen (I was a vision in borrowed orange Friday and Saturday, while yesterday I was in my own blue AU shirt, picked up from the sale rack at the J&M bookstore).  The game was tied at halftime.  Then in the second half the energy came back.  One of the high points (and I was so proud of myself afterwards when David asked what we thought the loudest cheer point was, and I got the one he was thinking of) was a Georgia attempt on a fourth down that didn't work.  Lots of standing up, sitting down, cheering, chanting, singing... so much fun.  They gave Bo Jackson (another person I'd heard of - go me) a plaque in honor of the 25th anniversary of his Heisman, and then Jackson was there to congratulate Mike Dyer for passing his freshman rushing record, and to congratulate the team when they won the game and clinched the SEC West.  When it was over, we stood in the stands for some time, watching video on the Jumbotron, then headed out to Toomer's Corner for the celebration (complete with toilet-papered trees - I lost the ability to throw somewhere around the 9th grade, but I did manage to get a roll into a tree!), then off for increasingly chilly tailgating under the stars.  Lots more stars visible in Auburn, AL than where I usually am, and I recognized my old friend Orion, one of the only constellations I can consistently find.

What a day!  I'm sure it would have been fun even if Auburn had lost, but to have them come from behind, extend their unbeaten record, and have Cameron Newton at the helm - even better!

And you'd think that'd be it for excitement, but at some point Karen had discovered I'd never been on a motorcycle and started agitating for Chuck to take me for a ride on his, and Sunday morning I finally put my fear aside and agreed.  So now I've even been on a motorcycle!  And the main thing I didn't expect was the vibration: by the end of the ride, which wasn't too long, I was beginning to lose feeling in my feet!  I can't imagine how you get used to this, especially on a longer ride.  But Chuck says you do.  I've never worn a motorcycle helmet before, either, and hadn't thought about the effort it takes not to let your helmet smack into the driver's helmet... also to make sure you keep your feet on the footrests so you don't accidentally melt your shoes on the tailpipe!  So as my feet got slightly numb, I began to think... Uh oh, potential for melted shoes if I can't keep my feet on these rests!  Also... if you lose traction on the footrests, is there a possibility of losing balance and causing a wreck?  But those thoughts didn't hang around long, and all in all it was totally fun.

Back to Huntsville with Richard, and I found myself putting last night's NFL games on the TV just for the sounds of the games.  I've found televised football games to be comforting background noise since I was a kid, and yesterday it was also a matter of withdrawal symptoms to contend with, now that I'm a totally zealous convert to Auburn football!  I'm glad I'll still be down here for the Iron Bowl, and will get to watch it with a house full of Auburn fans (and, I hear, possibly an Alabama fan or two).

*************

You see?  Excitement, fun... happiness?  Jerry's been dead for five months.  Jerry's still dead.  I'm still never going to see him again.  How is excitement, fun, happiness even possible in my life?

So yeah... it's scary.  But I'm trying to enjoy the ride while it lasts.