I think this qualifies as a mild panic attack - at any rate, I'm sitting here waiting for my heart to slow down, because right now it's racing.
Because I just changed my Facebook "Relationship Status" to "Widowed."
It's probably more than a little insane that I feel guilty, as if somehow this negates my entire marriage, or means I'm being horribly disloyal to Jerry, or forgetting him, or leaving him behind. Intellectually I know none of this is true. Intellectually I know it's just a statement of a hideous fact. "Intellectually" comes into things less frequently than I might wish.
I thought it was time. I thought it would be easier to do it when I was far from home, or from the house that sort of is a home but sort of isn't anymore. I'm thinking maybe I should have waited until there were other people in the house, just to calm me down a bit. (Maybe it's time for a Xanax! No... I'll wait it out.)
I think this is one of those posts that go into the category of "therapy."
Accepting the fact that a marriage ends with death isn't easy, especially when the marriage was good and to a wonderful person. Moving on is difficult. The knowledge that my spouse would want me to be happy helps sustain me on this journey. I have found that with this step has come a sense of freedom and thankfulness for wonderful memories. It ain't easy but it's real. Good luck!
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