Buffeted

Today's been a day of exhausting emotions, not that that's any different from any other day in recent memory.  Getting that call this morning, being offered the job I was totally convinced I wouldn't be offered, was such an ego boost (not bad to get offered a job after your first job interview in 16 years).  Deciding to say yes, which I did, caused another flurry of emotions: relief, nervousness, panic, worry (okay, these aren't emotions, now that I think of it... so a flurry of neurotic reactions, perhaps).  I'm still working on getting it through my head that just because I've said yes to a job in Illinois doesn't mean I'm signing my life away and saying I'll stay in Illinois for the rest of it.  And as I've said before, if I'm not ready to take Jerry's glasses off the nightstand or even remove the wrapped-up leftover half of a Heath bar that's next to his computer, I'm certainly not ready to pack up this house and put it on the market and move on.  So I might as well do something productive in the meantime.

Positives: getting this girl out of the house.  Getting this girl into daily interactions with other people.  Getting this girl the opportunity to do some editing, which is what she's been thinking she wanted to do anyway.  Not to mention: income!  Health benefits!  Yee-ha!

Negatives: Des Plaines, IL.  Getting there.  Getting back.  There is a Metra commuter train from the next town north of here and there is a bus from the train station in Des Plaines to near the office building, but there isn't necessarily guaranteed parking at this end.  I've put my name on a waiting list for a parking permit, but for now I'm going to drive there.  I start on Thursday.  And they're going to be very accommodating, too, about my wanting to take 2 1/2 weeks off immediately for my trip to Alabama.  So I'll work for four days, then not work again until after Thanksgiving.  So things are falling into the right places.

Buffeted, though.  Moving on to the next thing, the next job, the first job I'll have that Jerry won't ever know about.  Going on without him.  Facing facts... some of them, anyway.  It's hard.  It's so hard.

Positives, again: endocrinologist says my thyroid levels are exactly where they should be, so I'll stay at the same dose of levothyroxine I've been at.  Nurse and doctor both think overeating is a perfectly understandable reaction to the traumas of this year, and say I'll stop when I stop and things will go back to the way they were before.  Which is what I was thinking, but nice to have some professional backup for that view.  And considering I got on that scale in my clothes and Dansko clogs (all of which weigh at least 15 pounds, right?), I wasn't too upset about what I saw.  But mostly because I still can't bring myself to care.

So negatives too.  Big ol' mixture of positives and negatives.  With the Biggest Negative of all still overwhelming my life: the absence of my honey, obviously.  I miss him every second of every day.  God, it's hard.