I'm just back from Alabama. Friday had started out not much better than Thursday had ended - first day I've had a hard time holding it together at work at the start of the day, leading my boss to tell me I wasn't my "usual bubbly self" (first time in my entire life anyone has ever called me "bubbly" - definitely not an adjective I would have thought to apply, ever, before) and a few others to comment that I looked tired, which I was, having stayed up way too late doing last-minute packing for my trip. By Friday afternoon, though, I had done a little analyzing and come up with a reason for my sudden mood swing Thursday: a coworker had brought her new-born son into the office that afternoon, and while the sight of a baby has never once inspired in me the thought "Wish I had one," I can only guess that hearing about the woman's plans, all the new beginnings and happiness and decisions, and watching everyone coo over the baby, just made me feel so old and over with. I know it's not true, I know there will be good things in my life, new things even, new joys someday, but I wouldn't be surprised if that's what set me off.
Anyway, I need to make definite tracks towards bed, since I'm already going to get way too little sleep before I have to get up for work tomorrow (and my insides are not 100% happy - not sure if it was the sudden onslaught of Southern cooking in large quantities, the fact that I accidentally ate some chicken casserole at the potluck at today's singing - thought it was squash or potato casserole until it was already in my mouth - and I haven't eaten any meat in years - or possibly the Diet Dr. Pepper float from Sonic I got when Laura and I stopped on the way back to BNA - or a combination of all of the above). But I just wanted to check in and let all y'all know I'm feeling better than I was when I last wrote here. And to thank you for being there... again.
Welcome back. Feel better and rest!
ReplyDeleteHugs.
I have the same feelings when I see a newborn, find out some sweet young thing is pregnant, nieces and nephews marry (not each other, thank god). I haven't figured out how to have a life. I still keep bumping into the "my life is over" wall.
ReplyDeleteI'm embarrassed by my jealousy. How pathetic am I? I think we have to allow ourselves to mourn the lives that we've lost. You've lost Jerry, AND your life that you two made together. I haven't figured out how to get past the fact that with all my breathing apparatus, I look like Hannibal Lector. Real hot, hmm?
As I try and keep myself from flying into a million pieces, please remember that you have more than one loss to mourn.
Love you,
f