"Loneliness is a very lousy case"

I cry so infrequently these days.  Sometimes I wish I'd cry more often - it would, I don't know, make me feel more "normal"?  I worry so often that I've swung too far in the opposite direction from where I was this past summer, and done it too fast, too soon (although God knows it didn't feel fast or soon through that summer of hell, and if I had the stomach right now for reading back over the earliest entries in this blog, I'd probably not worry about these things and just be glad for not being back in that place, no matter how artificial - or not - this new place is).

So let's see, how incoherent was that first paragraph?

Anyway, my point tonight is that it's been a less happy couple of days - sometimes the loneliness is worse, sometimes my grasping of the fact that Jerry is dead is less certain.  I also notice that my dreams are reflecting way more anxiety than I'm aware of when I'm awake.  I don't always remember them, but I do remember the mood, and I do remember that Jerry is in the dreams but I'm not with him - in some of these dreams I'm even with someone else, giving in to someone else's attentions, while not necessarily choosing to of my own free will, knowing Jerry is somewhere but unable to stop myself.  Obvious much?  I don't think we need lots of analysis to know that my desire to have love in my life again someday, my loneliness for physical affection and contact, and the fact that I've started to notice men again (as opposed to the months after Jerry died, when I could not even imagine ever finding any other man attractive ever again) are all bringing up anxieties and guilt and fear - not when I'm awake, or not that I'm aware of when I'm awake, but sure enough it's coming out when I'm asleep.

I watched a bit of the movie Bounce yesterday: Jerry and I had watched it together years ago, and I know I've seen it more than once.  Gwyneth Paltrow plays Abby, the widow of a man who's died in a plane crash, and without going into lots of details about the plot, there's a point in the movie where she takes some tentative steps towards her first relationship since his death - and freaks out about it, for various plot reasons, and just because.  And then she has this exchange with another character:


Abby: Being with him is like making a choice.
Donna: You don't have that choice, Abby. You have other choices.
Abby: It just can't be him - that's all.
Donna: Ok, then fine. But whether it's Buddy or someone else a year from now, whoever you choose will be there because Greg is not. That's just how it is.

One of those times when you hear just what you need to hear.  Not that there's a Buddy, or an anyone else, in prospect at the moment.   But the thing is... I wish there were.  (Honest but vague disclosure: I've started having crushes.  In some ways it's nice, it's good.  In some ways it freaks me out because it makes me feel like I'm 13 years old again.  And in some ways it's just depressing, because I wasn't supposed to have to start over, I had found my Mr. Right, and why the hell should I be having to deal with feeling like a 13-year-old again at the age of 48!?!?!?!  And mainly depressing because after 12 years of requited, going back to unrequited is just not fun.)  And my subconscious can yell at me about it all it wants, but whoever is there someday, if he ever is, will be there because Jerry is not.  My subconscious can want me to stay true to Jerry all it wants, and if I had that option, if Jerry were here to be true to, I would be, as I always was, as I never had any thought not to be, because I loved him with all my heart.  But now I've had to receive most of that heart back again - not whole, not ever whole again, but most of it is now back in my keeping, and it's lonely.  And my subconscious can give me all the bad dreams it wants - it won't change the reality of my life now.  And the absence of Jerry.

(Wow.  I know I've been low on the anger part of the grieving process, but I didn't expect to find some of it aimed at my subconscious.  I need to give it a break - it's only reflecting what's there inside my head,  possibly dampened or hidden by Prozac and the desire to feel better and the determination to feel better.  But I don't want to feel guilty or wrong.  And I want to be happy.  And I want to be held.)

Anyway, I did manage some tears yesterday, brought on by a partial umpteenth viewing of Serenity.  If you've seen Serenity, you can guess what brought it on, or one of the scenes, anyway.  If you haven't - put it on your list, but don't watch it until after you've watched Firefly.

So... anyway... lonely.  Missing Jerry.  Wanting someone.  A whirl of emotions.  As usual.

(Extra credit to those of you who know the movie the line I've titled this post with comes from.)