New ink

Mike at Fox Valley Tattoo, who did the tattoo of Jerry's signature in June, did this tattoo for me this evening.  I love it.  It's on my left wrist.  As I wrote on Facebook: Heart with wings, symbolizing the unexpected, surprising healing of my own heart. It will never be entirely whole, missing the part that Jerry took with him - but I have found strength and healing when I never imagined I ever would.

And that's what this tattoo means.  I know one meaning of heart-with-wings tattoos is memorial, but that's not what this one is about - that's what the signature is.  This one is about me.  This one is about becoming someone I never thought I would.  This is about who I want to be, what I want to have in my life.

(I do forgive and understand the person who, when I mentioned that I was going to get a new tattoo, asked "Auburn Tigers, right?"  Yeah, I've become a rabid member of the Auburn Family, definitely All In, thrilled to pieces about their victory over Oregon on Monday - but no, I'm not ready to tattoo that rabidity on my body.  And I forgive those of you who just thought "...yet.")

I did wait an extra week from the time I decided to do it, to try to suss out whether or not a heart-with-wings tattoo wasn't a bit too much of a result of my recent Sugarland obsession - but a week later I still wanted it.  I looked at a lot of ideas online, and finally came across this, which jumped out at me and said "I'm the one you're looking for."  I brought a printout of the design in this afternoon and discussed it with Mike, and we agreed the wings would be filled in in black.  So this evening when he was done with other customers I went back and he drew the design and then turned it into a stencil and then inked it, and I'm just thrilled with the end result.

Made it through another month since Jerry's death.  I was surprising myself again, this time by not being sure how many months it had been on Thursday when the 13th rolled around.  I counted, on my fingers no less, several times to come up with the number seven, certain it must be eight, but no, it's only been seven months.  And already I'm such a different person.  And that's a good thing.

Another thing I haven't put down here before, but I think I need to: last week when Lynne and Bill were here, I took the chain with Jerry's wedding ring on it off when I made a stab at following the Zumba DVD Lynne brought with her... and then I didn't put it back on again.  I felt very strongly that I didn't want to.  It was the same odd feeling I had when I didn't put my own wedding ring back on.  Guilt, but also a feeling that doing it would be doing something that wasn't appropriate anymore, something that wasn't right for me... something more for appearances, for other people, to make sure they thought I was still grieving "properly," the way I "should."  As if I were afraid they'd think I was "over it," that I'd moved on - I'll bet this is the same thing I wrote about my ring.  That if people didn't see those rings on my body somewhere, they'd think I wasn't, I don't know, sad enough anymore.  That I didn't love Jerry enough.  That I don't love him anymore.

And I decided I needed to do what matters to me, and stop worrying what other people think.  I know now something I didn't know before.  If I'm ever lucky enough to find love again, it won't change how I felt about Jerry, and how I feel about him now, and how I'll always feel about him.  And if I'm lucky enough someday that another Mr. Right comes along, my love for Jerry is going to be okay with him - that'll be part of his Rightness.  I know this now.  And I know that my heart is strong, and getting stronger, and healing.

And that's what the tattoo is about.