I called and made an appointment to see the psychiatrist Monday - after lots of thought, and lots of good input from people I know and people I don't, I've decided that yes, going back on the antidepressants is the best option. The last one I was trying before I got off of them altogether was Wellbutrin, and I hadn't noticed any side effects from it, so I'll ask him about that one again.
What else? Oh, yes. Enough with the deadlines. I had a good long talk with Lynne last night and, as sometimes happens with me, it took someone outside myself to make clear to me something that I was trying not to notice: I'm not, as of February 10, 2012, ready to leave this house. I may be ready on February 11. I may be ready on March 1. I may not be ready until later than that. But trying to push myself to be ready when I'm not feeling ready has only been adding to the stress and depression, I think. I'm torn, because I want all the decisions to be made, all the actions to be taken, all the things done that will get me going into the future and whatever my new life will be, wherever it will be, and Midwest suburbia is not where I want to be - but I've lived here in this house for coming up on 12 years, it was my home with Jerry, it's so beautiful and so much his labor of love, and I can't be at peace with moving on from it until something inside me has made that decision - and I'm just not ready. Today, I'm not ready. Tomorrow I may be. Someday I will be. Yes? Yes. But that day isn't today. And I need to let myself not be ready until I'm ready. Thank you, Lynne.
I did my taxes yesterday. So that's something accomplished. A little accomplishment, but an accomplishment.
It's snowing. It's so pretty.
Thank you for your post
ReplyDeleteYes, each day is different. Not easy the ups and downs and I think we all have them. The fact that getting ready to relocate requires confronting the dismantling of a life that is past.
Our home. Now my home.
It's occurred to me to that my home should be where I am content. So in planning I am hoping for a trial period. Not so much that I would want to return here but the ability to check the fit, and be in another place for a while would be helpful.
Other times I just want to jump in and go knowing nothing could be worse than the past years.
A dilemma.
You are not alone.