Dear Anonymous,
I can't believe how long it's been since I last posted here. And starting a post at 11 pm when I have to get up for work in seven hours - probably not smart. So let me just say, first off, thanks for checking in on me all these months. And second off, I'm still here, I'm still working (although, sadly, in some ways, the workplace is regressing back towards what it was when I left - perhaps it's the nature of the organization itself?). I'm still in my house and still dealing with the ongoing need for repairs (next up: remodeling of the constantly clogging drain in front of the garage and replacement of the roofs on the garage and the house - waiting for an estimate for the former, already signed a contract for the latter, which will happen some time in September).
Emotionally? Still on the roller coaster. Still, after three years, feeling like I can't really be a widow. Still feeling sort of separate from the rest of the world, as if they're all living normal lives and I'm stuck in this widow's existence of loss and muddling through each day. It's not unrelenting pain and sorrow - but it still doesn't feel like life, somehow. I feel like I'm waiting for life to start again, although of course I realize this *is* life. And I still don't know where I'm going to end up.
And, of course, I'm also still, 24 hours later, stunned and furious and incredibly sad at the verdict from Sanford yesterday.
So that's the Karen Needs To Go To Bed quickie version. Possibly you've motivated me to post again, Anonymous. To be seen. But thanks again for caring.
Thank you God you wrote this and I read it. I have been a widow for 3 years and 29 days. I still feel like I'm waiting for life to "start". No magical prince has arrived to magically "save me" for this dark forest. Just me, work, friends and my dogs everyday. A few days are actually good, somedays the pain still feels as bad as the first day, but most days I just get through. A smile or a kind word which I am grateful for. Seems like everyone thinks I should be back to normal by now, heck I even thought I would be. But maybe this is the new normal. I don't know. All I really know right now is to see that I am not alone in my feelings. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
ReplyDeleteIf I am your faithful anonymous (and I think I am) please accept my apology for this delayed response. It was good to hear from you! I confess, although I read the post some time ago, I am now just getting to respond.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you are making progress although you may not always feel this is happening. Please hang in there and please know you are thought about and cared for.
Getting a house repaired and possibly ready for sale and working while trying to live a life with positive emotional content are not easy tasks.
Being a surviving spouse is hard, and worse, lonely: no confidante like before, no one to hug and to hug you each day plus more and each day, while a miracle, is also a challenge.
Not easy.
But you are still here and making progress! And some day (I hope soon) you will look back and feel proud. It's a wonderful feeling.
I can tell you that it is now better for me, not all the time, but thankfully a lot of the time. The sale of my of my house and relocation have helped me reconnect with my needs as a single person. The memories and triggers remain but somehow I am seeing a life beyond now for myself and it is a good feeling. Inexplicably, I often think of myself more now as a single person than a widow. And I think looking back on the accomplishments contributes, because they were done without my spouse.
Maybe having the tasks done somehow has made it easier to enjoy making new friends and getting to know a new area? It is stimulating and fun. The absence of old friends can be remedied by a quick trip and/or phone conversation. While this is working for me, it may not work for everyone. We all have to walk our own paths.
But in common, being a surviving spouse harbors so many tasks; I had not a clue until this happened to me. Your blog and others like it have been and remain a help on this journey. You do matter and you do make a difference.
May you have peace and know you are loved as you continue your journey. Virtual hugs!
Year three. It was one I hated with a passion.
ReplyDeleteHi. Hope you are well. I miss your posts but understand if you wish to be silent. Sometimes (now three plus years since our husbands died) I think maybe (?) writing about where we are may be an easier thought than actually doing it.
ReplyDeleteLife goes on; memories are harder to retrieve. That is scary and unsettling at times, but I think it is natural..
Yet I still miss my spouse every day.
Not easy all the time this moving forward but better.
I can now imagine myself with someone else. Who? Not a clue but i am getting ready to maybe take chances.
Wishing you peace.
And of course virtual hugs come your way.