As long as I can remember, I've loved singing - yes, there's Sacred Harp, yes, I was in Russian choirs in college and grad school (briefly), but most of my singing is done along with recordings - I tend to sing along with anything I'm listening to (and when the lyrics are in a language I know nothing of, I hate to think what I'm saying). And right now... I can't sing. I forget occasionally ("Rolling in the Deep" just came on), and my abdomen reminds me right away that it's not time yet. So a good measure of my recovery progress is going to be when I can sing again.
A week past surgery. Still sore, still mostly lying around. Don't know if my hormones are confused, although things I've read tell me even if you keep your ovaries, things get unsettled. But I've had some very intense crying jags, feeling Jerry's absence in a place more deep than before... if that makes any sense. Even while it's happening I realize it's going to pass - but while it's happening, it also feels like emerging from my surgery was a huge mistake, that it all should have ended right there, so I wouldn't have to keep working so hard to continue on in this world without Jerry. I know: sounds scary and melodramatic. It passes. I know it will pass. I'm not suicidal, never have been.
But it's hard.
Yes, it's difficult to imagine that taking deep breaths and singing would be comfortable right now!
ReplyDeleteSoon there will be time to sing but you have to recover first! About the mood ups and downs--would it be worth considering discussing the swings with your surgeon to ascertain whether hormones following surgery might be playing a role?
Also, you cared for someone--loved and physically cared for your spouse and were there for him when he was ill. Crying would seem natural as you recover from surgery without him being there for you.
Not easy.
Dealing with such things makes us wonder who will be there for us when we hit bumps in the road. And surgery is a big bump. Without our spouse in such situations I think we feel vulnerable. But in taking care of ourselves we become more confident, and as you recover take pride in being there for your spouse and taking care of yourself. You are moving on....
Be easy on yourself! Virtual hugs come your way!