Feeling calmer this evening. Not sure my heart rate has slowed to normal all day today, but... calmer. Tomorrow I'll go by the pharmacy and pick up a higher dose of Prozac plus an anti-anxiety pill - reading about the latter (Tranxene) actually caused anxiety, but I called back and talked to the nurse about it and found out it's supposedly less sedating than the Xanax, and I'll try it out tomorrow night to see about that. Called a mental health practice the doctor referred me to and left a message, and will see what they say.
Spent the evening re-watching Dan in Real Life for the umpteenth time and finishing one of the Jayne hats. Which is very, very sad-looking - I'm not sure even Ma Cobb would have done such a messy job. I've been trying to cobble them together from various online patterns, and the decreases in the one I used for this last one were not good. Next one, I'll try a different decrease approach. I have lots of cheap Red Heart yarn - most of the online pattern makers insist that Ma Cobb wouldn't have used fancy-shmancy yarn, and I won't either.
Up too late - need to get to bed, and get up tomorrow and go to work. And pull myself out of this.
Missing you on your birthday, Sweetie.
I hear ya!!! Glad you are feeling better this evening. All these "firsts" Jerry's bday....the first one without him here...it is so emotionally hard!
ReplyDeleteI too have most of my memories locked in the area of Rick's last days for the time being. I have been told by others who have lost loved ones that it takes awhile for the memories to kick in to a time frame to a time way before they passed.
Karen you sound so much like what I go through from time to time. I allow myself a couple of days a week to just crash. It is so hard dealing with the reality of "they are not coming back" and "our" life will never be the same. We are forever changed as a person. That is so hard to accept in our mind and in our heart both.
Sending big hugs your way Karen especially today.
Joan
Not east this riding waves of grief. Not easy filled with continuing love for a spouse who isn't coming back.
ReplyDeleteNot easy at all.
Weekends are hard; kudos for planning pleasurable events, something to look forward to as you ride the waves.
As the date of my spouse's death approached, unwanted memories of last hard days resurfaced. The word anniversary seemed so inappropriate! Then I learned of the Jewish custom Yardzeit and the meaning of it. A candle burning that day was a balm.
Sharing with other surviving spouses within a group setting has been a sanctuary--a place to share with those who accept and understand---and continues to be so. This was surprising to me as in general I am not much of a joiner. I treasure the friendships found. Maybe you could find solace in such a setting as well.
And fresh flowers--such a balm as well--beauty that exists despite horrid weather.
Virtual hugs come your way.