05 January 2013

2013

Thank you to my faithful Anonymous for nudging me to make an appearance here! Yes, life has been pretty damn full around here lately: I am indeed back in the work force, back at the same organization as before, but it's like a completely different place, and very much for the better.  It's hard to believe it has changed so much, but all hail the man who's now running the joint - it's an incredible relief to be working for someone who appreciates his staff, takes advantage of their talents, and is very invested in making sure they have all the tools and training they need to do their jobs.  I am even in the process of purchasing a style guide subscription and anointing myself style czar of the office, with the boss's approval and gratitude.  I have an office.  I have windows.  I am so far away from the main office phone that I don't hear it ring.  I get to see dear friends every day.  I get to edit!!!!  The only part that has me worried is the total amount of work I'm already having to do, a quantity that's only going to get larger when one of my friends goes on maternity leave for a few months and I assume most of her duties as well as my own, leading up to the organization's annual meeting in the spring.  I'm not complaining about having lots to do - it's more a matter of wondering how on earth I'll be able to get it all done by the deadlines for getting it all done.  But compared with sitting on my couch for days on end wondering if I should stay or go or sell or not sell, wondering what to do with myself... this is a far preferable thing to wonder about.

Oh, and having a paycheck again?  Yeah, that's good.

Other things: trip to NY went fine, and I actually didn't feel I belonged there - I sort of don't feel like I particularly belong anywhere right now, which is good, in a way - I can be where I am, and though I'm not sure it's home for more than a relatively short period of time, I don't feel out of place here any more than I do anywhere else... sorry, I think I'm being incoherent.  Kind of like, I feel less out of place here because I feel out of place... everywhere?  Not sure that's it either.  Eh, never mind.  Moving on.

December: Nets game at the new Barclays Center in Brooklyn; Bulls game back at the United Center. Christmas Day Bulls game I never made it to due to a case of viral gastroenteritis, but I managed to sell my ticket online, so I recouped at least some of the money.  Quiet New Year's weekend.  Next week will be my first five-day work week since I started back.

Emotionally?  Still not sure.  On 200 mg of Zoloft every day, I feel very numbed out, but generally think it's still a good idea to stay on it, for now at least.  I'll be back on the organization's insurance policy come February 1, which will make me feel more able to see the therapist again occasionally, which I think will be a good thing.  These days, I find remembering Jerry, remembering our day-to-day life together, remembering how he talked and how he just was, is incredibly difficult.  I see photos of him, of us, and I know I loved and love him, I know he was my sweetie, I know I wish our marriage could have lasted for many decades instead of just one - but that life, that marriage, that me - they all feel remote, like a dream, like someone else's history, like something I maybe saw in a movie or read about, something that happened to someone else.  Maybe this is a kind of self-preservation and is letting me function.  Letting me actually live something like an ordinary life in most ways.  I don't get to be deliriously happy, but I get to be okay - I get to have enjoyment in my life again, I get to look forward to things, I get to move past that place where I would have been just as happy for tomorrow to come without me in it.  And considering where I've been, I'll take it.